Where is the hotel?

the power of yes

okay, people.
last night i sat in on an interview jessica was doing for her book.  and one of the things the guy said was "don't be afraid to ask for things."  he was referring to things like asking for an interning job at a recording studio, a gig at a local club, stuff like that.  but that got me thinking and we talked about how really in real life
it works to. i see it happen on my job on a daily basis, shocked when people actually do what i ask, things i never thought they would acquiesce to. 

 i saw it worked for cali. his camera broke, he couldn't afford a new one so he simply asked for donations. and people responded cause they love his blog. 

so i was thinking about what i want. and as much as i love my tree house in echo park, i've come to the conclusion that it really is just not enough.  the plants have died because the sunlight is filtered through millions of leaves. i can't have 15 close friends over for nude yoga, just not enough room.  there's not nearly enough closet space to hold all my high tops and too small t-shirts i am saving for my future wife.  and certainly a trillion square feet of norcal coast line will help in that endeavour. basically, my apartment is just not cutting it anymore and i need something new. 

the one i have my eye on, and i've mentioned it here before, is remarkably STILL available at the lowly price of $3,500,000.  so, to solve my housing crisis i have set up a paypal account to receive donations for a new place to rest when i am home. and since i am not home a lot anyone that donates will be allowed one weekend per year in one of the buildings with no electricity. 

please paypal donations here, [email protected]. i promise to use every cent to buy my OUR new house.

morgan wanted me to ask.

trademark, registered.

having had the luxury of traveling all over the world, a luxury i know many people do not have, i realized something this past week that should make everyone that hasn't found the means or time to travel to hawaii feel a lot better.  pretty much every place can be hawaii in the summer.  so, i have registered the phrase "hawaii of (insert name of your personal local lush vacation spot here)" with the trademark office.  feel free to make t-shirts, coffee mugs, beer cozies, pens, magnets, license plate frames, blankets, lawn chairs, spatulas, snow globes, seat cushions, etc with my trademark, "hawaii of...".  it's not like i am just asking you for money!  if you are smart / creative enough we can all become rich.  i've already done my part, now it's time for you to hop to and use my creative genius to the benefit of us, both. 
so i present to you some photos of Put-In Bay, Middle Bass Island, Ohio: Hawaii of Lake Erie / Northwestern/ Mid Ohio™.

actually, better than hawaii. here most people drive electric powered golf carts!

the islands are like 5 minute ferry rides from each other. and it was christmas in july which meant all boats were party boats.

my sister, katie and her kids who i am uncle to on top of a monument to a dude with a pretty rad name, oliver HAZARD perry. who kicked some british and canadian A in the early 1800's on lake erie. which by the way is not small enough to see to the other side but has no rip tide, contrary to popular belief.

look how blue the water is.  and it's totally not possible to see canada.  thank god.

omg!  culture, street art exists not only in ohio but at the end of a dead end road, nothing beyond but tens of tens of miles to canda and some lovely grafitti. PEOPLE!  art is great. SUMMER!

gloria.... theee gloria from the comments. gloria, the earth AND frogs fan. totally loves Put-In Bay, Middle Bass Island, Ohio: Hawaii of Lake Erie / Northwestern/ Mid Ohio™. this is like her 4th time here in 6 years.  she might purchase a throw if someone makes one.

tropical fruit in ohio! amazing.  the kids, danielle (the girl) and aaron (the boy) love LEMONS. it's totally bizarre. they hate broccoli, but will suck on lemons all day long.

 

 

and then you get to take a ferry home and sleep in your own house.  try doing that in the real hawaii™ (also trademarked). normally it's a 5 hour red eye back to the mainland and then doucheville at the airport. tropical birds also sighted.

 

 

 

and then the next day, softball all-star game.  no rumbles in the stand or on the field, much to my dismay.  no aggro parents. just a total routing of danielles team by what was apparently the premier 10 year old girls softball team of Northeastern Ohio or The Bakersfield, CA of Ohio™, which is what it felt like on this day of high temps and dusty air. fun, nonetheless and the peaches made the dirt taste good.

 

 

next time you're bummed cause you think you can't go anywhere exotic or tropical remember there's always ohio, the hawaii of ohio™.

back in put-in bay

i spent all day today on middle bass island in the middle of lake erie.  the whole day was amazing and really fun cruising around on an electric golf cart all over the island checking out historical sites, miniature golf, huge oak trees, old homes.  basically, it was a little like hawaii without the palm trees.  anyway i spent most of the day thinking about why i can't live in ohio again, or won't or don't want to...what is the problem when in the summer it is really beautiful and green and the lake seems as big as an ocean.

then i couldn't stand the shrill revved up christmas carrolls coming from the carousel. it was christimas in july on the island this week. so i was waiting for the rest of the family on the golf cart near some beach themed restaurant not concerened with the wannabe jimmy buffett playing live, or actually not even knowing he existed.  then i heard him say, "ok. this is my last song.  but before i go let's have one more toast for america, greatest country in the world." (note: i agree). then he rattled of a couple lines of the pledge of allegiance and said, "the land of the free, no matter what the ACLU says." and there were a lot of drinks raised and cheer of approval and then he said his name was WESTSIDE STEVE and that he would be back next thursday.

well i found WESTSIDE STEVE'S myspace page and besides sounding like pretty boring all i can say is this: dude, basically the ACLU are the only people that are gonna defend your right to publish photos of you as a  cross dressing irish leprechaun model for guinness.

then we went home and watched the o'reilly factor and i remembered that it gets really really cold in ohio in the winter.

free pop alert!

signs you know you are having a good great happenin bitchin fucking kick a time in the midwest:

- giant pizza slice comes with free POP.  it's called pop here.  pop choices include, grape pop.

- bike rides in rain storms so hard that were they to happen like this in LA there is no way my house would not slide down the hill.

- and crag finn cutting his pizza into quarter inch strips with a plastic knife while discussing a new sort of weather related website.  the whole time absently pushing said slices around the cardboard wedge shaped box, eventually almost making a pizza strip square knot.

cleveland's next.

big cheese, make me

well i do think it's funny that the euro's are having such a grand old time keeping our economy afloat this summer.  today i went to buys some jeans here in LA. and i do believe that other than the poor people working at the store i was the only native speaker in the whole place.  i'm not complaining. i'm just pointing out that in lieu of budweiser being bought by some belgians (i can think of worse people to own a beer company), my shopping experiences this summer at anything above the level of say, target, have been like a trip across the pond. and maybe this has less to do with the whole country being on sale to people whose currency relegates the states to a giant yard sale than it has to do with me not spending the last 7 summers here.  maybe it's always like this, but i think not.  streets of nyc were clogged with people in bad jeans and gaudy sunglasses overloaded with shopping bags the last time i was there.  it's funny that surely the euro's, the same ones that were so bummed on bush being prez must now be stoked beyond words!  the same french people that rode me for those first 3 days of the war i spent in paris in 2003 must now be toasting him to high heaven for fucking it up so badly over here.  even our gas is still way cheaper than a litre overseas. maybe all the xenophobes in st. louis will vote for obama now in hopes that we can pne day afford a belgian waffle stand in downtown brugge.

then some girl in a landrover decided that it would be okay to reverse down an alley when i was right behind her.

if bush were smart he'd make lanegan an ambassador.  watch this.  you can watch the first whole minute and then, if you're constrained by time and lack the sense of being a screaming trees fan, you can skip ahead to 7:30 for the grand finale.  the part where lanegan, in true ye olde time irish boxer fashion, puts up his dukes and takes on a gaggle of stagehands.  i think he kind of busts out a little irish step dance for a second.

maybe this is what were missing.  maybe this is why our economy is fucked and we are letting the belgians buy our storied and shitty breweries. we've turned into a bunch of pussies with vampire weekend being our greatest musical export of the year.  those dudes in their old man miami beachware aren't going to strike any fear into stagehands across scandinavia. in 2006 when i was on tour with lanegan i walked into the club in copenhagen and the first question the promoter asked me was, "is lanegan here?"  there was a nervous exciment in his voice and i figured he was a big fan (which he was) but then he said: "last time i saw lanegan he freaked out onstage at roskilde, tore the whole stage up and then walked off and punched 3 random people in the face on the way back to the bus."  i was shocked but not surprised.  i went out to the bus and told mark what he said and asked if it were true.  in true lanegan form he nodded his head yes and gave a wistful smile.  lars and i didn't call him the undertaker for nothing! 

so, my point is what we need is a grunge revival to spark our economy. then we can send our bad ass rockers over there to kick some serious A.  and anyone that has seen my appearance lately knows i am doing my part.

OMG! i did it.

i just realized i actually just accomplished something.  now, i am on a roll and i think i can do something that people are paying me to do. like make a totally lame, boring tour support budget.
what a day!

i spent 4th of july being despicable and all i got were these lousy text messages and tears of laughter.

for some reason, even tho i have tons and tons of work on my plate for like the last 6 days i can't do any of it.  i am not depressed.  but i am beginning to live in squalor.  there is a pile of clean laundry in the corner for the last 5 days.  i think it is now dirty by default.  there's a half open bag of pretzel chunks on top of a container of trader joe salsa right next to me.  the fridge is also right next to me, yet for some reason i don't seem to be able to muster it up to put it away. even as i sit here typing this, shaking my head at myself.  i know it will go away some time. i did do the dishes the other day and wiped down the counter. then swept a bunch of shit on the floor up into a pile. but i haven't gotten it together to get the dust pan and put it in the garbage.  which by the way has some moldering bananas in it.  the bed is made tho, somehow.  the sheets, still on inside out from when hopper made the bed.  being a punk she doesn't seem to care about the way things are supposed to go.  she'll spend like 5 minutes on making my bed, but like HOURS on a stupid fanzine. (you can win the last copy, number one of five.  you have one more day to comment about why you deserve to own the last of five. just click : YAWN,)
i actually did get some stuff accomplished this week.  hopper and i cleared the garden.  we planted some plants. they are not growing. i don't know why. but it's nice to have all the leaves cleared out.  but probably the most fun all week was the fourth of july when we did nothing but go to the world's lamest parties, a total warzone down the street and then pulled a prank on poor arlie. 
arlie had sent us to a party, best described with this quote from a text message i sent, well i don't believe i can write that text message in my blog as it is pretty vile.  however, it was also described as "instant menopause" as it was full of mid 40's divorcee's.  there WAS amazing catered bbq food there. made by someone named "JASON". as we eavesdropped we heard that "JASON" had already bailed..  which if true means jason is super smart. but if it's not and indeed he hadn't left, then we surmised that he was hiding in the closet in the breast feeding room spyng on unsuspecting single mom's.  so we split 10 minutes and 2 plates of food after arriving.  we left the whole cobbler we debated on taking with us. 
then we headed to echo park. which was literally a vietnam war re-enactment.  just chaos.  people running around with roman candles attempting to burn palm trees to the ground. punkers with bloody faces trying to shove m-80's in your nose.  not a pleasant situation.  but we heard about another party there. 3 blocks from where i live.
after dropping my car off we run into arlie who told us about the milk jug fest.  he explained that it really was his friends' LAND LADY'S party! that's the problem. LAND LADY. i never go to LAND LADY parties. i've dated two of them and they did not work out so well. so had i known that it never woulda happened.
so we told him we were going up the street. he was in for the night.  but we said we'd text if it was going off.  so we trudged up some neighborhood hills, discussed different places we could hide bodies should we "accidentally kill" someone.  discussed how to throw the dogs and coyotes off the trail.  actually, we did not discuss that.  but i did think about it in my head.
we were the first ones at the party.  so we stood on the street. and then hid when we saw some guests arrive.  we didn't want to be the first one there.  then we ran into the people we knew while looking at neighborhood fireworks in the valley below.  we smoked a cig and decided to ditch the party and cut our losses and head home.  as we walked back we texted arlie a series of messages describing how awesome the party was in order to entice him out of the house, a little revenge for sending us to the LANDLADY party earlier.  and that is the point of this whole post.  i want to save these messages as i don't think i've laughed this hard in forever.
texts to arlie (upstairs neighbor) JULY 4 2008.

11:19 pm "Dude! Is lance mountain still alive???? He's in the pool!"
11:24 pm "Who's house are you at? Chris Pastra's?"
11:25 pm "No. I think it's carly simon's daughter cause there are photos of james taylor EVERYWHERE!!!"
11:26 pm "Who do you know at the pary?"
11:27 pm "Jessica's friend bobby toe, sean kelly, and chrissy" (sean kelly being the ony real person listed)
11:30 pm "Is there a pool?"
11:31 pm "Yes! Willy tyler and lester are here too!"
at this point we are almost to my house.
11:33 pm "Mind blowing"
11:35 pm "U don't know the half of it! Grab my camera from my place on my desk. i need to blog this. My door is unlocked"
the plan is to get him to go to my apt where we are hiding in the dark.
11:37 pm "Jessica wants a towel too please."
11:40 pm "Hopper is skinny dipping. This is getting weird."
maybe you had to be there... i am glad i was.
then he texted hopper and told her he was coming and making coffee.  and that's when i realized that letting someone drink coffee at 12 am is too harsh a punishment for sending me to a party with absolutely not hot girls.  so we crept up the back and scared him in his kitchen.  then we went out and got some cigs and ran into a guy from the coffeeshop.  who is a really nice, nice guy. but for some reason we spent the next 30 minutes dreaming up the meanest thing we could have said to him.  the best one "if you're so bored maybe you should let your friends fuck your jail pussy".

jesus.  people from the midwest are horrible.

with a mouth at the end that ate the food

ok.
this is probably the most AMAZING youtube i have seen. and that's basically all i do, watch youtubes.
matablog clued me into this one. but since frogs is on one of my weekly searches i am astounded i missed this one for 2 months!  wtf?
ok
everyone but my mom, seriously, watch this one. mom, this isn't like earth or any of the other music that you like. i mean, if you want to go for it you can.  but i am not sure you'll be into this like you were into pavement in '94.

warm heart, glass eye

stateside for the 4th of july for the first time in 6 years.
not much going on.
just a homemade sign from hopz.
and a google eye pizza from grannie and kimo.

(and once again, my hands appear freakishly large.)

but i feel alright when you smile

last night was the last night of the ted leo / pearl jam tour.  which means... no more free meals every day.  no more constant supply of snacks. no more sitting around in cinder block dressing rooms waiting for something to do.  no more larry palm.  no more ed ved dressing room visits. no more james canty jokes. no more police escorts. back to the real world.

back to thinking about how rad it is to be in your 30's and not a 21 year old punker.  it's so much easier to just be able to say "pearl jams okay with me". and not worry about the repercusions of that statement.  ted and james shredded with pj last night on "rockin in the free world".

(chris and marty violence on the tambourines. i love saying marty violence on the tambourine.)

(first time i saw james canty play was in a bowling alley in the suburbs of western cincinnati.  there were as many people there as there were in the first row of this show)

it was kick ass, for me, to see these four guys that have worked super hard ripping in front of 22000 people.  it'd be a shame if it never happened again, as there really is no reason their songs shouldn't be heard and loved by the masses. but if it doesn't, i'm happy i was there to see ted belt out the second verse.  i thought it was funny, weird and rad that ed asked ted to sing that verse:
I see a woman in the night
With a baby in her hand
Under an old street light
Near a garbage can
Now she puts the kid away,
and she's gone to get a hit
She hates her life,
and what she's done to it
There's one more kid
that will never go to school
Never get to fall in love,
never get to be cool.
it's pretty much a classic rock straight edge jam.  ted nailed it.  so anyway... james was saying that as he was singing back up with stone gossard all he was thinking was "21 year old james would be kicking the ass of 30's james" but they were stoked... i know it.

then today i went and saw marnie and noa who i hadn't seen in 3 years. marnie was in live skull and moved to cincinnat in the 90's for a bit. i knew noa when she was a baby and now she's like 16 or something.  marnie was saying that the kid is feeling the pain of being a 15 year old, desperately wanting out of her teenage drama.  and again, i thought, "yeah. i get that."   so much better to not give a shit what anyone thinks about what bands you like, who you like, what you like. if you want to say that mgmt (that's a band, mom) is a waste of space that's fine. no one will ostracize you for that once you're past like 18, i hope. and if you want to get on stage in front of 250000 people and rip a classic rock punk song with one of the biggest bands in the world.  do it. cause who the fuck cares?  it's likely that 21 year old james, 21 year old david and
certainly possible that 21 year old noa were/will be big hahd on's.